The Accidental Parent, Part VII
(If you’re tuning in for the first time, read the background post, The Accidental Parent: What I Learned from 37 Years of Mistakes.)
Your best bet for college kids is to get them to visualize the future. What job would you like to have? How much money do you expect to live on? What kind of home do you want to own?
Your child may or may not go to college. Everyone knows kids would be better off with a degree, but since the near-legalization of marijuana, not everyone is going to graduate. For those kids, I can only quote the immortal words of Judge Elihu Smails* who said, “The world needs ditch diggers too.”
After college, your last bit of influence hinges on financial support. How you support them is critical to how they perceive themselves. How would you feel about yourself if you were still living off mom?
Whether they graduate or not, a lot of them come home for a host of different reasons. At first, it’s nice to have the family back together again. Just to have them near, even if they come home at three in the morning and never take out the trash. But you know they need independence. And you need to launch them.
Here are a few handy tips that might work for you:
1) Make sure they go to college. Take them to visit colleges in middle school and high school so they can visualize the future and plan to get there.
2) Your child will get in trouble in college. Ignorance is the best option. If jail is involved, stay calm, be supportive. Don’t have a cow, hire a lawyer. If babies are involved, don’t have a cow, scout the yard sales.
3) Let go and let God. (For atheists, that’s Let go.)
4) If they are on their own and are looking to come home because they blew the basic budget, say no. Pay a utility bill or a month’s rent instead. Independence is better psychologically than moving back home.
5) When they come home after graduating, charge rent and set it aside to help them move into an apartment of their own.
6) Don’t budge on the rules. Your son/daughter might be an adult, but your house has your rules. They can deal with it.
7) Laugh. Why not?
The good news is: after graduating, they will appreciate you more. Sure, it might be because they’re broke, but they say nicer things. Don’t worry, family therapy follows a couple years after they launch and the therapist will convince you everything is your fault.
One last note: If you have really good kids and they never get in trouble and they go to Ivy League schools and they intern at the Supreme Court—keep your mouth shut.
The best parenting advice I’ve ever heard came to me from a janitor at my engagement party. He said, “Remember, if everything goes right, the kids will leave you and the wife won’t.”
Peace, Seeley
* Sound familiar? Judge Smails, Caddyshack.
